


A robot's hands, covered in silicone.

by espepspes



Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [3]
Category: Cartoon Therapy (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depersonalization Disorder, Disassociation, Hurt/Comfort, MORE PROJECTING, Patton and remus are casually mentioned for like one(1) sentence in an odd metaphor so, Therapy, i don't know if this really qualify as either but here we are babes, it's just a weird one y'all while also being very serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22437268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espepspes/pseuds/espepspes
Summary: Logan has been having issues with his memory and well, his mind recently. He goes to the group's therapist for help because that's what you're supposed to do. Hopefully, he figures out what the heck is going on with him. (It's more serious than it sounds)
Series: I'm 100% projecting on the poor sides help them [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569442
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	A robot's hands, covered in silicone.

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to remind everyone that this series while based on my own experiences in therapy, is not an accurate representation of the process. And while I have Depersonalization Disorder (unfortunately my therapist can not change my medical record so I don't in the eyes of the Law) my experience is not what everyone experiences with it so? Sorry?  
> TW: Body Horror in a way? (I don't know if it really counts), Disassociating, Medical Terms, and Confusion of the MInd. If any of these can trigger you then you shouldn't read for your own safety.

Logan sighed quietly when he knocked on the door of the therapist’s office. He did know that he should be going, especially since he had been having troubling thoughts and feelings, and he knew that it was hypocritical for him to be hesitant to go when he advocated therapy for the rest of them so vehemently. But for all the universe, it was hard to admit his feelings sometimes.

Or rather, the lack of feelings he seems to be experiencing. Or maybe that his body was feeling strange but not in a medicinal way, but in a way that seemed to do with his mental state. 

He wasn’t sure. He didn’t like not being sure. 

Remy opened the door for him and he stepped inside. “Hi, Lo babe, you’re going to be in Peace today, and he’ll be there in a few seconds, he just ran to go file something.”

“Thank you, Remy.” He nodded towards him in acknowledgment and then Logan went to the room and waited for Dr. Picani.

His head felt light and suddenly Emile was in the room. “Logan? Did you hear me, buddy?”

He shook his head while speaking, “No I did not Doctor.” 

“I asked you why you were coming in today. You don’t commonly stop by, besides to drop off or pick up your friends.” He smiled gently at Logan, seemingly noticing his… airiness, to put it lightly. 

“I think something’s wrong with me. At least, something mentally.” Emile nods as if asking him to continue. “My head has been off lately. I take pride in my mind, and I take pride in the fact that I can come up with solutions well, that I can speak well. Most of the time at least. Recently, something has been wrong. I can’t think fast, I forget words, I sometimes don’t even think for longer periods of time than I’d care to admit. And it seems to have a- a- uh… Give me a second.” Logan waved his hand in a circular pattern for a second, almost like a loading screen’s motions. “Psychosomatic side effect as well.”

Emile’s lips pursed and he murmured to himself while writing down the notes. Logan couldn’t seem to pick up what he was saying, however, until his voice raised slightly. He didn’t know if he wasn’t meant to hear what the doctor was saying before but it seemed slightly important. “And what would those side effects be Logan? Would it be psychical pains or something else such as being unable to breathe?”

“No, no, something more like, my body feels odd. I’m unsure on how to describe it because it only really happens when my mind seems to really go away I suppose. But it seems like my body fades away somehow. Or transforms? I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t like not knowing. It’s confusing.” Logan could tell he looked distressed due to the doctor’s expression and his own tone of voice, but he didn’t find it in himself to care. He knew that Emile couldn’t tell anyone outside of the room what happened nor would he make fun of him.

“Well, can you please describe what that transformation is like? If you can find the words for it at least.” His voice was soothing, as if he was approaching a wild animal, or if he was Patton trying to approach Remus after he had any more than one or two caffeinated drinks.

After pausing for a second he started to speak, “It starts at my hands. Sometimes they’re metal and the skin is covered in silicon such as an android. There are wires underneath the silicon and- wires and circuitry. My brain is just a mass of coding but there’s an error in it. I guess it would be a virus, a virus that allows an outside influence to control my body.” Logan frowns at the idea, the idea of not being in control of his own body, the only thing he could always count on being able to have a hold on. “It travels through my arms, and through the wires, it travels farther and farther and then my systems shut off, but not really, it would be better explained as my processing system glitching. After that, I don’t function properly anymore. I am unable to think- to move willing, to even tell that my body is there. It’s... terrifying, legitimately terrifying, not while it happens, but when I snap out of it, hours later, and I’m staring at my computer, a documentary playing in the background from Netflix and my term paper in front of me, without anything done since the arms,” He repeats the motion from earlier, still trying to think, “become whatever that is. I only know time has passed since the clock on the bottom of my screen says 7 pm instead of 4 pm, and the documentary is six episodes ahead of where I was last.”

“Logan, have you heard of disassociation?” 

Logan had, but he’d only heard of DID, which he did not believe was happening as he didn’t have an alternate. “Not to discredit you Doctor, but I do not believe I have Disassociative Identity Disorder. That seems much more… extreme than what I’m experiencing.”

“There are a variety of disorders that relate to it, specifically Disassociative Amnesia, Disassociative Identity Disorder, and Depersonalization Disorder.” Emile gave him a look of sympathy. “Now they are all vastly different from each other, and I agree it doesn’t seem like you have DID, but instead seem to be experiencing Depersonalization Disorder. It’s usually linked to trauma, but it’s basically when a person experiences multiple instances of detachment from actions, feelings, or other stimulants, as if they’re watching a movie, or as if they don’t control their own actions, which is the depersonalization. It can also manifest in derealization, which seeing people or the world around them as unreal or nonsensical. Sometimes it manifests as both. And it commonly manifests from the ages of 16 to 20. ([ 1 ](https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-conditions/dissociative-disorders))” 

Logan listened intently to what Emile was saying because finally, thank tesla, finally, there’s a reason. “It’s oftentimes compared to an out of body experience, and this isn’t the best example, but it’s kind of like the avatar state. While you don’t enter a disassociative state willingly, it can feel similar. What you experience is a feeling that you’re not present in your body, Things may happen to your body while you’re in this state. and you may not even feel it. The world can seem like somewhere entirely new and strange, and everything you experience can seem scary if you don’t know what’s happening. It can even be triggered by outside influences that will “shock” you into the said state. They’re even both protection measures that are enabled when you seem to believe you’re in danger.” He paused again to find the words he was looking for, “It not a perfect comparison of course because they’re very different experiences but it’s the best one I could think of.”

Logan was stiff the entire explanation, processing the information, and realizing that he’s not going to be able to absorb this all at once. “May I please get some more information about this? I would like to learn more about it and then can we talk about it again?”

“I can send you an email, and send you links to articles about Depersonalization Disorder. After your next visit and with your okay we can go about getting an official diagnosis, Then you can get a more specialized therapist for the treatments for it. However, we’re out of time Logan. If you’re willing, next week we can review some techniques to help you handle coming out of an episode.”

“I suppose I can come next week then Doctor.” Logan held out his hand for Emile to shake, and after they did, he left the room. He drove home and then did what he did best. Research, and observe. 

-

Hands are WEIRD sometimes

at least mine are. 

Sometimes they don't feel... right. 

My head will be filled with fluff instead of thoughts

and then it seems like they don't exist. 

and never had. 

other times the fluff makes my hands fake. 

like a wooden puppet's hands.

or a robot's hands, covered in silicone. 

some times the fluff makes them seem

broken? 

i don't know how else to describe it. 

it's like...

when one of your body parts fall asleep

but more. And then it doesn't want to move

because it's heavy. 

and maybe i don't know how to describe it

because when it happens my head is wrong

filled with fluff and distant noises,

that beckon me towards reality

but i can't actually come back. 

because that requires my brain to function

but when it fills with fluff i don't know what to do

i don't even have hands when it happens!

i don't know how to explain

but hands...

Hands are weird sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a lovely day if you want to leave a comment, please do I will try to reply but also my emails don't notify me like 20% of the time. so.  
> Also (1) is a link to NAMI's page on Dissociative Disorders: https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders/Treatment


End file.
